Is everyone familiar with the concept of self-talk? It’s basically the stuff we say in our heads.
Ever seen “Inside Out,” the train of thought – and it only stops when we sleep? It’s pretty much like that.
Now, how many of us are aware of the things we say everyday? In my work as a therapist, I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy often to explain why our self-talk matters.
This theory says that we are thinking constantly. When something happens (like being cut off in traffic), we actually have a thought or thoughts about it (“that jerk, he thinks he’s so important, this always happens to me”) and it is the thought rather than the event itself which makes us feel the way we do.
The idea then is to change your thoughts to change how you feel. Simple enough, right?!
I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help clients become aware of their thoughts and then start to analyze them for accuracy and replace them with healthier thoughts.
The best way to start is simply to have a journal where you track your thoughts. Anytime you have a strong emotion, stop and write down 1) what happened (the event) and 2) what your thoughts are. That’s it!
After a week or so you, will start to get a flavor for how you are talking to yourself. Anyone seen “Illusion” with Kirk Douglas? Great movie! “Tuesday’s with Morrie” meets “The Notebook.” “Illusion” Illustrates how our automatic self-talk tends to be negative or critical. Check it out, you won’t be disappointed! https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B0050DAVVA
Ready to take it to the next step? When you notice a negative or critical thought, stop and ask yourself:
>What is the evidence for my thought?
>What is the evidence against my thought?
>What might a friend say to me?
>What would I say to a friend?
>What if the worst happens? Will it still matter in a week, month, year?
Use this worksheet and find more like it! You do not have to live in those thoughts.
The theory goes on to say that we have lots of errors in thinking or cognitive distortions. Here is a favorite along with an example: Catastrophizing.
You make a mistake at work and think, “Oh my gosh, I am such a screw-up; I can’t believe I did that. Now there is no way I’ll get that promotion. I know the boss saw me, what if she is quietly collecting info on all my screw-ups?! She looked at me funny yesterday; maybe she is already planning on firing me. My rent is so high I’ll never be able to find another job in time. I’ll be homeless on the streets, and my mom will finally be right about what a loser I am.”
Whew, that was exhausting; now you need a donut just to calm down! This might sound extreme but how many times do we continue to cycle downward until we have gotten ourselves so worked up and convinced that our shortcomings or mistakes mean we are flat out no good!?
Now you have a word for that! So, when you notice yourself doing this, stop and think: Catastrophizing!
And just so I’m not leaving you without tools, here is a link to a worksheet on how to address this. http://ow.ly/4AO150lwd8k
Basically, you want to ask yourself some questions. How likely is it that the worst will happen? What is the worst-case scenario? What is the best-case scenario? What is a likely outcome? How much will this matter next week? Next year? In five years?
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/cognitive-distortions
Want to deepen your thinking on self-talk?
Get out your journal and write down these questions to consider. Give yourself at least 15 minutes where you can really sit and think. Then put it away for a day and look at it tomorrow. Note any thoughts or changes you would make.
1. What do I notice about my inner voice? Is it supportive or critical?
2. If I imagine that voice as a person, do I like this person? Would I choose to spend time with them? Do they remind me of anyone?
3. Does this person overwhelm me and make me feel small or do they comfort me and reassure me I am okay?
4. Do I have any beliefs about needing to learn lessons or be punished? If so, what are they?
5. What would it be like if my voice was kind, caring, and always on my side?
6. Do I think this is possible? Why or Why not?
